I need a taxi tomorrow. I am lazy, and I don't want to bike to work. I looked at the weather forecast for tomorrow, but Japan likes to post the weather every three hours instead of every hour, so it's unclear whether it'll be raining at 7:20 AM. As of now, it says "cloudy" at 6:00AM, then "rainy" at 9:00AM.
Please, let me wake up to rain.
Monday, October 17, 2005
08:27 p.m.
"I stretch on the bed, listening to the rain as they hit the roof and land on the ground. Having outgrown my bed, my legs hang off the edge of it -- they almost touch the floor. Why do I have to be taller than I have to be? I peel off my socks with my toes, damp from the rain and my own sweat. Tall, with smelly socks. Doubly unattractive. What kind of guy would ever like me? Would he ever like a girl who has smelly feet and is taller than him? I envy all the short, cute girls in my grade who already have boys wrapped around their fingers, only at the age of fourteen. How do they learn to play the game so quickly?
"I stare up at the ceiling. His face fills my mind. The way he averts his eyes when I try looking at him directly. I don't know whether he is scared of me, or if he is just shy. The 3.8 seconds that he looks at me as he walks up -- without saying anything, his big eyes staring into mine -- I want to say something, and maybe he does too, but we just look at each other until we just say 'hi' and walk away.
"Was that a smile when you looked down? Why do you look at me longer than you have to? Why am I reading so much into this? It's not like I even talk to you. I don't even know you, and yet, I imagine you lying here on my bed with me, not minding about my feet nor my height. Enjoying the gentle sound of water hitting the leaves, just lying close. We wouldn't talk. My heart would just beat faster as the rain pours down faster, and I would try to hold it all in so you wouldn't feel my heart beating so fast. And I would so happy because at that moment, when I look over at you, I know your heart would be beating just as hard and fast, for the same reasons. We both would know all this without uttering one word.
"Kind of like when your eyes meet his in the mirror. Your eyes are meeting and you both smile because you've found a way of looking at each other without directly looking. Something only the two of you would get. So special. Maybe even sacred.
"Would I ever experience such a thing? It seems so impossible, to be able to connect with someone without exchanging a single word."
...I am totally intolerant of people right now. I hate it!
Maybe it's PMS, or maybe it's how I am. Critical. Ruthless. Impatient.
We went hiking today. It's near Nikko, and it involved a lot of walking, climbing (up and down), and slipping/falling -- which also meant tiredness, crankiness, and a tinge of tension amongst some of the members.
I was pretty mean to someone today, even though I tried to tone it down and lessen the irritation (mine, towards the person) by trying to make a "funny" comment that didn't go too well. The person was gracious enough not to bite my head off, but I could see the anger boiling up, which didn't help the situation at all.
Note to Self: Try to be funny when person is less inclined to be cranky, frustrated, and in self-pity mode.
